When external validation turns toxic

The need for external validation is fundamentally human; it’s hardwired into our psychology and social structures.

We desire acknowledgment and acceptance, and this desire manifests in countless ways – from seeking praise for accomplishments to wanting likes on social media posts.

While external validation can be affirming and uplifting, it becomes problematic when it evolves into the primary source for our self-worth and happiness.

The concept of external validation isn’t new; psychologists have studied it for decades, examining how it influences everything from our self-esteem to decision-making abilities.

In some ways, it’s healthy and entirely normal to seek validation from our environment. After all, this external feedback can guide social cohesion and even aid in personal development.

However, the issue arises when we become overly reliant on external opinions, ignoring or undervaluing our internal sense of self and well-being.

By focusing both on external cues and internal integrity, you can forge a path toward a more fulfilling, emotionally balanced life.

The Negative Impacts of Relying on External Validation

Firstly, though, let’s look at why you might want to find that balance and what impacts could be felt if you don’t.

Emotional Dependence

Relying on external validation can tie your emotional well-being to the judgments of others. The rollercoaster of highs when validated and lows when criticised can be exhausting and emotionally draining.

Reduced Self-Esteem

When your sense of worth is dictated by external opinions, your self-esteem becomes volatile and fragile. Over time, you may find that you lose sight of your innate value.

Decision-making Complications

Allowing external validation to influence your choices can make independent decision-making a real challenge. The fear of external disapproval can lead to choices that don’t align with your true self and aren’t being made because they’re the ‘right’ choice.

Anxiety and Stress

The need to constantly meet or exceed external expectations can result in chronic stress and anxiety. The burden of perpetually striving for approval is both mentally and physically draining.

Signs You’re Depending Too Much on External Validation

Constantly seeking approval: If you find yourself in a never-ending loop of seeking approval, it’s a clear indicator of dependency on external validation.

Fear of disapproval: Avoiding negative feedback or criticism at all costs can become a significant emotional burden.

Social media obsession: A heavy focus on the number of likes, shares, or positive comments on social media platforms can indicate over-reliance on external validation.

Emotional rollercoasters: Experiencing extreme emotional highs and lows tied to validation or lack thereof is a red flag signaling imbalance.

Strategies to Correct and Avoid Over-Reliance on External Validation

Cultivate Self-Awareness

Being aware of one’s thoughts and emotions is the first step in breaking the cycle of dependency on external validation. Several studies have found that increased self-awareness could lead to improved emotional regulation, helping individuals become less reliant on external sources for validation. Practicing mindfulness and introspection can facilitate this self-awareness.

Set Personal Goals

Shifting the focus from external approval to personal goals has been shown to improve psychological well-being. According to studies, intrinsic goal-setting is linked to higher levels of self-esteem and greater life satisfaction. The process of setting and achieving personal goals can redirect your focus towards internal validation. And, hey … there’s a journal for that.

Limit Social Media Use

Multiple studies have demonstrated a correlation between heavy social media use and lower self-esteem or increased anxiety. Limiting social media to approximately 30 minutes a day can result in significant reductions in depression and loneliness. Setting boundaries on social media use can help lessen the dependency on external validation.

Seek Professional Help

When the need for external validation begins to severely impact daily functioning or emotional well-being, professional guidance is often beneficial. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can be an effective treatment to reframe cognitive distortions related to external validation.

The Importance of Internal Validation

While external validation can offer short-term boosts of happiness or confidence, it’s internal validation that provides a more sustainable and stable foundation for emotional well-being.

Research shows that internal validation is closely tied to psychological resilience and mental health. Studies suggest that intrinsic motivation, which is closely related to internal validation, correlates with higher levels of self-esteem and overall well-being.

Internal validation involves a deep, intrinsic sense that you are competent and worthy, irrespective of external accolades or opinions.

Unlike external validation, which is fleeting and often out of your control, internal validation is something you can actively cultivate through mindfulness practices, self-reflection, and self-compassion.

One of the key benefits of focusing on internal validation is that it lessens the impact of external criticism, making it easier to rebound from setbacks and failures.

By putting less stock in how others perceive you, you become less vulnerable to emotional turbulence and are better positioned to navigate life’s ups and downs.

The quest for validation is a double-edged sword.

While external approval can boost our spirits, an over-reliance on it can have detrimental effects.

Balancing external validation with internal self-worth is key to a fulfilling, emotionally stable life.